02 – Dragon Rising

“Amanda.”

Uttering those three syllables drained the life out of Hal. Yet it was something he wanted to say nonetheless, as if his very existence depended on believing in her. It was Tuesday and he was four days away from Christmas break. Hal felt miserable.

He tried calling Amanda the night before, hoping against hope that she’d give him a different answer this time. Hal was glad when Amanda answered the phone; most girls would usually keep quiet about the problem and avoid the guy at all costs. Thankfully, Amanda wasn’t that way. Not that she was brutally honest either. Her answer remained the same: she couldn’t go to the prom with Hal. And with that, she ended the call.

Hal expected monsters to plague his dreams. He was prepared to live his lonely existence in a barren land, ready to be swallowed by the nine-headed dragon, ready to be stung by the serpents. But they never came. Instead, he dreamt of a girl with short black hair and wearing a long white gown. She smiled at him and called out his name.

“Hal.”

He’d wake up, terrified at what would happen next. He dreamt of Amanda, and while seeing her was pleasant, he’d always come to the realization that it was just that: a dream. Hal merely laughed at the irony of his situation. When he was hopeful, he got the nightmares. When he was gloomy, that’s when he gets taunted by dreams of what-ifs. The serpents and the dragons paled in comparison to what he was dreaming now.

Hal couldn’t get some sleep after that so he merely stared at his clock until it reached 6:30 am. He then got out of bed and entered the bathroom.

“Might as well go to school,” Hal thought. “Things couldn’t get any worse.”

***

Mr. Segovia was puzzled at Hal’s behavior. He was awake yet didn’t seem to have the same spunk. Hal was merely looking at the blackboard, mechanically jotting down notes as if he was a well-oiled machine. Nothing bothers a teacher more than a student acting out of character.

Hal didn’t notice that Mr. Segovia was staring at him. Nor did he notice the notes being passed around by his classmates. All that he was obsessed with was getting the day over with. In a way, life seemed easier. He didn’t have to pay attention to what he was doing; his body did everything automatically. And in that way, he also didn’t get into trouble. If Hal had paid attention, he’d notice the baffled look his teachers had. But Hal simply didn’t care. Tuesday was just another day, just another moment in his life.

And then he heard the word that ignited a spark in him.

“Amanda.”

Hal turned around to see who spoke that word. It was Philip, one of the more socially active students in his class. For a moment, Hal was embarrassed. He thought that his classmates found out why he was in a slump. And then he felt disappointed when he discovered that they simply didn’t care. His classmates were talking about someone else. Philip, apparently, had plans of asking Amanda to be his date for the prom. Hal suppressed a snicker. At least he wouldn’t be the only one lonely this Christmas. Not that Philip had any shortage of girls to be his date. Still, it wasn’t every day that Philip got turned down, especially by the opposite sex.

Hal started smiling then. Amanda declining his invitation wasn’t personal. It was Amanda being Amanda. Maybe she had other important things to do. In the long run, it probably didn’t matter if she wasn’t his prom date. His goal, after all, was to be her boyfriend. The opportunity would eventually present itself.

***

Once classes ended, Hal decided to follow Philip. He wanted to see Philip’s reaction when Amanda turned him down.

Hal was generally ignored by the other students. When Philip went over to Amanda’s school, Hal made sure to stick to the corners so that could easily find cover. He knew he was being petty, but so what. Misery, after all, loves company.

When Amanda emerged from the gate, Hal’s heart started to beat faster. To Hal, Amanda was still the most beautiful girl in the world. For a moment, he actually felt miserable that Philip was going to talk to Amanda. But he grinned, expecting the heartbreak that would follow.

To Hal’s surprise, Amanda was smiling the entire time. Her smile was like a slap to his face. She seldom smiled at him, after all. She must be patronizing him, he thought. There’s no way that Amanda actually liked Philip. She’s smarter than that. And everyone knew that Philip was a playboy.

But the two continued to chat, and they seemed genuinely enjoying the conversation. Worse, when Amanda’s phone rang, she ignored it and gave Philip a hug before leaving. Amanda never gave hugs, at least not to Hal. What was going on?

Trying to regain whatever composure he had, Hal approached Philip as he was leaving.

“Hi Philip! So, did you ask her out?” Hal asked with the fakest smile he could force himself to make.

“Oh, Hal. I didn’t know you were there. Yeah, it went pretty well. In fact, I’m also going to her prom night. Isn’t that great?” Philip replied.

Hal gave his usual nod. He didn’t trust his voice. He wanted to punch Philip in the face and wipe off that smile of his. It just wasn’t fair. What did he do wrong? How could have Amanda chosen the wrong person?

“Well, I’d better be going now. See you tomorrow at school. You know, we should chat more often. We don’t get to talk as much, and we’re already graduating in March. Keep in touch!” Philip said as he left Hal.

Tears streamed out of Hal’s eyes but he quickly suppressed it before they were obvious. It shouldn’t happen here, not in a public place where everyone could see. In movies, it usually rained when events like these happened.

“Where’s the rain when you need it?”

***

It was pouring that night. Hal was alone in his room, engrossed in his own thoughts. He had skipped dinner; he didn’t feel hungry. His assignments were left undone; Hal didn’t see the point of going to school the next day. He’d just see Philip again and he’d be reminded of Amanda.

“Amanda…”

Hal recalled his experiences with Amanda for the past two years. It started with phone calls. Amanda was the first girl that he actually gathered his courage to call up and talk on the phone with for several hours. He even visited her once a week at her school, accompanying her to her car when it was time for her to leave. Amanda didn’t seem to be annoyed with Hal. He even got to meet her parents once when they came to fetch her. So what did he do wrong?

He wrestled with the idea of calling her up and talking to her about it. He wanted to demand an explanation. But then again, he remembered how individualistic Amanda could be. She valued her freedom, her independence. There was no mutual agreement between them. He wasn’t her boyfriend; they were just friends. Perhaps even less than that if what Hal suspected was true. To demand from her answers which wasn’t his business seemed too forward of him. Or too transparent. Either way, it might ruin whatever relationship he had with her.

“Sandy. I should call Sandy. She should know.”

Sandy was Amanda’s best friend, her confidante. If anyone knew what was going on, it would be Sandy. And best of all, Sandy knew how to keep a secret. That was how he got introduced to Amanda in the first place. He had it arranged with Sandy’s help. She seemed happy to oblige at the time. Perhaps too happy, Hal reflected. Maybe Sandy told Amanda his feelings for her, which is why he’s getting this kind of treatment now. Girls did the strangest things, after all, if only to baffle the men.

Suddenly, Hal was afraid to talk to Sandy. There was no guarantee that she wouldn’t tell Amanda. And Amanda was her best friend, after all, so why wouldn’t she tell her about his fears if he talked to her about it? Who was he left with?

Life suddenly seemed too complicated. Who to trust, who to believe in? Certainly not Philip, the arrogant guy who managed to win Amanda’s heart. Hal wondered what he said to her, what lies he wove to gain her affection.

“Why? Why didn’t she like me? What does he have that I don’t?”

The only time Hal found sleep that night was when he was exhausted because of his weeping. Hal didn’t need his dreams to tell him that he was alone in this world or that he was a coward. It didn’t matter anymore. His sense of purpose was once rooted in his love for Amanda. Now, that was gone. There was merely a gap. And with that gap, he imagined himself ten years in the future, alone and just as miserable as he was now. For all the pain that she’s caused him, Hal couldn’t find the courage to be angry at Amanda. She was his goddess, his savior, the one that woke him up before he succumbed to the nightmares. Yet strangely enough, those nightmares ceased that night. And the night after that. And the night after that night. Hal’s dreams weren’t filled with dragons and desolation; they were dreams of Amanda, of the time they spent together, and of events that could have been. And every time she’d utter his name, Hal would realize it was all just a dream, and he’d wake himself up, not daring to indulge in the illusion. For Hal, there was only one world that mattered, and he had already lost in reality.

During one of those nights, Hal went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. He was ready to slit his wrist, to end his life so that he would dream no more. But the moment the cold steel touched his flesh, Hal felt fear and pain. It baffled Hal. He didn’t want to live anymore, but he didn’t want to end it himself either. Hal didn’t want to be the executioner of his own life; he wished he had someone else to do it for him. Amanda crushed his heart with just a whim. He wished he could end his life just as easily. But Hal discovered that night that he didn’t have the courage to do so.

He returned the knife and crept back to his room. Just because he failed in his suicide attempt did not mean he had to alert everyone else in the house. Especially his dad. Hal didn’t want his father getting involved.

And so Hal’s Christmas vacation began, with depression to keep him company, and despair constantly at his side. Death was something he welcomed, although he knew it would never arise from his own hands.

Word Count: 1,856
Total Word Count: 4,232