05 – Unraveling

No dreams came. Whenever Hal slept, there was merely a void. In its own way, that was bothersome to Hal as well. He could hear his own thoughts clearly. There was nothing to distract him, no noise to filter out the inner workings of his mind. He felt alone more than ever.

Whenever Hal heard something he didn’t like, he had one of two reactions: first, he’d either tell the person to shut up, or two, he’d taunt the person speaking by calling them names or making a witty comment. Unfortunately, Hal couldn’t resort to that this time. It was his own thoughts that he didn’t want to hear.

Love. What was love? Did he really love Amanda? Perhaps if he really did, he’d wish her and Philip well. But Hal couldn’t do that. Whenever he imagines the two of them together, he feels jealousy, anger, hatred, and perhaps the most painful of all, despair. She didn’t choose him. He wanted to get chosen.

When Hal was a kid, he often clung to his mother, who was often at home, ready to address his every need. When his mom and dad decided to break up, Hal was eavesdropping from a corner, confident that his parents were too preoccupied with each other to notice him.

“That’s it. I’m leaving. I can’t stand living like this anymore.” Hal’s mom said.

“If it were just about you and me, I’d agree with you. But our lives aren’t just our own anymore.” His dad said.

“Perhaps your life isn’t your own anymore but mine is. You cling to what you perceive as your ‘responsibility’ too much. You don’t see how in the end, it restrains you and hampers your relationship with others. You feel ‘responsible’ for your employees at work. Fine. But what about us? What about me and Hal? Do you ever feel ‘responsible’ for us? Does that thought occur to you whenever you’re at work?”

“I’m working for you and Hal. If you leave now, who’ll be there to take of Hal?”

“You forget, he’s your son as well as mine.”

“Fine. I’ll take care of him. I’ll give him the love and support that he needs.”

“Well, at least that part’s resolved.”

Hal expected his mother to fight for him, to claim him as her own. He was really surprised when it was his father who took the initiative to care for him. He already knew that this day was coming, that his mother and father would not be able to live in the same house. But he never imagined himself living with his father. He wanted to cry out, to tell them that he was here listening, that he wanted a choice in the matter.

But what good would it do? His mother had certainly made up her mind. And he didn’t want to beg her to take him. Maybe he could stand his dad. His father, after all, was aloof for most of his childhood. Maybe he’ll leave Hal alone, and he can do whatever he wants. It won’t be the same having his mother there but what choice did he have? He didn’t get chosen. He was powerless to control his fate.

In high school, Hal made sure he wasn’t the person that got chosen last. He wanted to be accepted, wanted to be popular. Hal knew he wasn’t smart, so he didn’t join the nerds, the ones that comprise 90% of the brainpower in a class. He didn’t plan on being one of the popular kids at school as well. Sure, they got all the attention, but they got both the good and bad attention. They were just as likely to be despised as they were to be envied. The jokers, on the other hand, were people everyone appreciated. Everyone enjoyed a laugh, especially with the somber mood school emanated. Adults made it that way. The teachers wanted rigidity and order. The students, even until now that they were graduating, merely wanted to be free, to do what they want. Many students found his retorts to the teachers their means of striking back. Sure, Hal got a reputation and even got detention from time to time. But he didn’t mind. He was loved in the eyes of those that mattered: his classmates.

Of course after a time, that wasn’t enough. After two years of being the class prankster, his classmates soon took it for granted. Sure, they still laughed at his jokes and enjoyed his company, but Hal felt that there was less awe in them. He was mundane now. Whenever the teacher told the students to break into groups, they didn’t bother choosing who went with who. Everyone just went to their usual groups. The same goes for Hal. His “teammates” assumed that Hal would go with them. And no one bothered to disrupt that cycle. Hal didn’t dare do so.

It was during his junior year in high school that he got introduced to students from the other school. For the past sixteen years, the only friends Hal knew were his male classmates from school. Girls presented a challenge to him. They initially laughed at his wit and were genuinely impressed with his personality. Hal felt accepted once again. It was like making a fool of yourself for the first time, and in doing so, gaining the approval of everyone. Sure, they laughed at you, but they laughed because of you. You became memorable, a part of their lives. Hal cherished those moments.

And of course, Hal later discovered that not all girls were the same. Some couldn’t care less about his antics. Others were more impressed with flowers and chocolates from his other classmates than with Hal’s humor. At first, Hal felt pain and rejection. But he also came to realize that there were a lot of girls in the world, and that he would never be able to please everyone. In school, most of his jokes were directed at the teachers, whom most of the students disliked. Or the outcasts, or the students from the other classes. Hal always got the approval of the majority when he was in school by targeting a common enemy, usually the minority. That wasn’t the case when it came to women. It seemed that they didn’t have a common enemy, aside from the guys that is. Sure, they disliked their classes as well, but a number did enjoy their schooling. Hal’s jokes and criticism were less effective, simply because he wasn’t as familiar with girls as he was with boys. So it was understandable that he wouldn’t gain the affection of every girl he met. He’d just move on.

And then he met Amanda. What exactly did attract him to her? Hal didn’t know exactly. She seemed disinterested at him at first. She didn’t laugh at his initial jokes, although as time went on, there were a few jokes that she did smile at. But when Hal saw her smile, he immediately forgot his earlier failures and tried to make her smile again.

Physical attraction? Yes, there was that. But there was something else about her that drew Hal. In a way, she was like the other girls Hal met; they had other priorities, and weren’t impressed with him. But unlike the rest, Hal got through to her. She wasn’t like Sandy, who found Hal’s first jokes funny, even if they were flat and simple. Rather, there was a certain sophistication to Amanda’s tastes. Hal was curious about Amanda. He wanted to find out more.

Then came the calls. Hal became a bit familiar with Amanda, but not too familiar. Whenever they ran into each other, it was usually in the company of other people. Hal couldn’t ask his more probing questions without embarrassing himself or Amanda. And in the event that he managed to be alone with her, both parties were too shy to react coherently. With the advice from a friend, Hal learned that the secret to getting to know a girl was to talk to her on the phone. Of course obtaining the phone number was a more difficult problem. It wasn’t enough that you got the girl’s cell phone number: you had to actually get her home phone number. People don’t hold long conversations over a cell phone, and they can easily choose not to answer a cell phone call.

Getting Amanda’s number was actually easier than expected. He asked it from her and she willingly gave it to him. There were no embarrassing excuses, no lack of willingness to dispense with that information. Hal’s success increased his confidence. Which he actually needed when he got home and actually made the phone call. The person who answered it, after all, wasn’t Amanda but her dad. It was her father who got to ask the probing questions from Hal. It took all of Hal’s wit and confidence to stave off the inquisitive dad. And when Amanda finally got to the phone, he really didn’t have an answer for her when she asked why he called.

Hal soon learned that Amanda was a free-spirit, a willful girl who valued her freedom and her ability to make choices. It didn’t matter whether the choice was something as insignificant as what dress to wear today, or something as important as what career to pursue later in her life. It was the principle that mattered, the ability to carve one’s path for herself. Hal was impressed with her philosophy. He could relate with the suffering one felt when one was deprived of choices and free will. Hal, after all, loathed the people who made decisions for him instead of asking what he wanted. And in this, Hal and Amanda found common ground. For once in his life, Hal discovered that he didn’t need his defense mechanisms to gain the affection of someone. He didn’t need to make jokes or attempts at witticism to be accepted. He merely needed to be honest.

It was due to this bubble of excitement that Hal, slowly by slowly, attached himself to Amanda. Hal had two faces: one was his witty self which presented itself whenever he was in the company of others. His other face was his serious, more somber self, which was present when he was with Amanda. Not that the latter was the first time that Hal was acting like his true self; he was already acting that way around his father. Except that he wasn’t trying to impress his father and so he didn’t need to act differently. With Amanda though, it was the opposite. It was by acting normally that he was gaining her trust and affection. Hal didn’t think that kind of behavior would impress his classmates, or even some of the girls. But it was working with Amanda for some strange reason. And in a certain way, it was a big relief.

Soon, Hal was addicted to Amanda. Everyone else, whether it was his classmates or the other girls, paled in comparison. I mean why would he settle for less when the real deal was in front of him? He was himself when he was around her. Sure, he did resort to jokes from time to time, but more often than not, that was for the benefit of the people with them rather than for Amanda herself. Hal thought he knew what Amanda wanted. And it wasn’t his wit but rather his true feelings and their shared kinship for freedom.

Hal spent a lot of his time with Amanda, especially during his summer break. So when he finally entered his senior year in high school, his classmates were strangers to him. He knew their names, what their hobbies were and the like, but when it came to knowing them in person, they all seemed superficial, people who relied too much on his wit too for inspiration in their lives. He couldn’t be honest with them. He didn’t know how they’d react. And perhaps because of this, Hal slowly withdrew himself from them. He still made the usual wise-cracks, but that was done more out of sheer emotion and momentum rather than a desire to gain everyone’s approval.

That school year, there were three events that stood out as the most important. The first were the entrance exams for the various colleges. Hal didn’t care what school he’d end up or what career he’d pursue as long as it would be with Amanda. And since she was actually aiming for one of the top schools of the nation, Hal studied hard to pass the entrance exam. The second event was their graduation. For Hal, that was merely a stepping stone. It would pave the way for Hal and Amanda to actually be classmates once they went to college. Aside from that, he didn’t care. So what if both his mother and father would be present at the graduating ceremonies? He needed both of them earlier in his life. Why they’d appear at this stage in his life wasn’t his concern anymore. They made their decision long ago. And of course, the third important event that school year was the prom. It was an excuse to invite Amanda. Hal thought everything would work out from that point on.

It was probably the greatest prank anyone could perform on Hal. He imagined the devil, somewhere in his abode, laughing at the situation he was in. What pained him the most wasn’t perhaps the rejection of Amanda, but more of getting stripped of his illusions. When he was in love with Amanda, his purpose was clear. When he wasn’t chosen by her, it was a painful experience, but at least he felt he was the wronged party. He never sought to place blame on Amanda, merely someone else, such as Philip. He didn’t need to concern himself with what others felt for his own problems were enough to overwhelm him.

Ignorance is bliss. That was what the devil told him. Hal wished he was ignorant. Ignorant of his true feelings for Amanda, ignorant of how she really felt for him, ignorant of the events that have recently transpired. Hal never thought he could have sunk so low.

Could he call his feelings for Amanda love? Wasn’t it just another form of selfishness? Why else would the devil reveal himself? Why else was he tempted dearly so? Hal hated people who thought they knew what was best for others. His dad, after all, acted that way and caused the breakup of their family. Isn’t that the same scenario here? Was he a hypocrite then? Whatever happened to all his conversations with Amanda about freedom and the ability to make choices. If he made this particular deal with the devil, what choices would he be depriving Amanda of? Hal knew it was a decision he really, really wanted. It was his selfish side, wanting everything for himself. And didn’t he deserve it? Wasn’t he the injured party here? Doesn’t he deserve respite for all his troubles? It’s not like an opportunity like this comes very often. And it’s not even going to cost him his soul. Besides, he’ll take good care of her, make sure that nothing bad happens.

What if the devil made an offer to someone else? Perhaps someone like Philip? Would he decline it unflinchingly, or consider it as Hal considered it now? Would Philip be as scrupulous as Hal? He then remembered what Johann told him. He could count on his classmates, if only they knew what he truly felt. Why did he have to be the one to reveal his feelings? Why didn’t the class reveal their concern for him, Hal Romero? How much could he trust Johann’s words? And the fact that the devil chose to take on his form wasn’t comforting either. Couldn’t all of this be a complex trap set up by someone? One of his classmates maybe? It would be poetic justice, after all, to pull a prank on the prankster.

But everything seemed surreal, too imaginative and too personal for it to be contrived by some mortal hand. And people couldn’t manipulate dreams, couldn’t they? And of all the times for this to happen, it happened a few days before Christmas. If there really was a God, why would he allow this to happen?

His father. Hal felt he needed to talk to his father before he came to a decision. It was a situation he was avoiding for quite some time. Hal didn’t like talking to his father. Yet somehow, he was pivotal in all of this.

“At the very least, I’ll do something he’s never done for me. I’ll ask his opinion on the matter.”

Word Count: 2,787
Total Word Count: 12,391