07 – Catalyst

The world seemed to lose its stability. Hal was confused, and perhaps slowly going insane. The revelation of his father only muddled his thoughts instead of giving it more clarity and direction. When Hal left his father’s room, he immediately went to the place he thought would never change, the place that would forever be his own.

Hal opened the door to his room. Except when he entered it, it wasn’t his room anymore. It was merely a hollow room with white walls and ceilings. Gone was the bed in which he slept, gone was the alarm clock that woke him up every morning, gone was the phone which he used to make phone calls to his friends, and gone was the TV which was vital in every teenager’s life. Hal wanted to shut the door and leave. He wanted to say to the room that it wasn’t real, that it was merely a figment of his imagination, and that he can walk away from all of it.

But Hal couldn’t walk away. This was his room, his haven. What had happened to it? Or more importantly, who had made it like this? He had left the room only a few minutes ago, after all. And while his conversation with his dad seemed like a long time, it certainly wasn’t long enough to allow someone to move everything and give his room a paint job.

At least in this case, God certainly wasn’t responsible. God had left him to his own devices, if he existed at all. Lately, the only divine being he knew who paid much attention to him was the devil. But the devil seemed to practice subtlety and cunning more than theatrics. For one thing, he came under the guise of his classmate, Johann. For another, with the exception of his invisible pets the dragon and the serpents, everything else he did were disguised through mundane devices. Third, he usually came when Hal was asleep. Hal was certain that he was wide-awake now, especially after that conversation with his father. It seems that the closer he got to Christmas, the weirder things seemed to become.

Hal entered his room, as if all the changes meant nothing. He wanted to defy someone, to challenge whoever had wrought this unwanted change. The room remained a featureless box. But Hal wasn’t daunted. He took a step forward. And another step. And another. There was nothing, not even the sound of creaking on the floor. This wasn’t Hal’s room. It felt more like a prison. But Hal didn’t want to run away, to abandon his haven. He had run away from too much already.

When Hal entered the room, he didn’t close the door. It lay open. Hal turned around. The open door led to the corridor of his home. It was beckoning, calling out to him. His house was familiar. This room was now an enigma, an aberration. Hal wanted to step out and then re-enter the room again, as if to deny what he was seeing and experiencing right now. He blocked those memories out. Too much was already left hanging: his relationship with Amanda, the devil’s bargain, the revelations of his father. For once, Hal wanted to be in control. He would solve this mystery, and he would do it without leaving the room.

The door simply ceased to exist. Hal was engulfed in white. As far as he was concerned, it might as well have been black. He couldn’t see anything past the white anyway. He was alone, standing in the middle of nowhere. His visions of a barren and desolated land paled in comparison to what he was seeing now. At least in his nightmare, there was proof that something existed before: there were burnt ruins, abandoned homes, even earth upon which to stand on. Hal didn’t even know if he was standing right now. He had been consumed by the whiteness too much. A few days ago, Hal thought things would be simpler if everything had simply vanished. Now that it did, things weren’t any less confusing.

“Hal.”

Amanda’s voice broke the silence. It was the same voice that called out to him before, always waking him up before his dreams consumed him. To hear it now, at this very place, made Hal suspicious. He wasn’t dreaming and that was the only time he heard that voice. And even if he was, he should be waking up by now. But that wasn’t the case. And more importantly, the Amanda he knew would never call his name that affectionately.

“Who are you?” Hal shouted. There was no echo. Hal barely heard it himself. The place wasn’t conducive to sound. Yet the voice he heard was audible and clear.

“Hal.”

“You always call my name. I want to know who are you?”

“Hal.”

“Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up! Stop calling me by my name! Stop calling me with her voice! Who are you? Are you another demon bearing another offer of temptation?”

“Hal. I’m not a demon. I’m your God. Or Goddess to be more exact.”

“God? Goddess? I don’t believe in any God!”

“Sure you do. You just don’t acknowledge it. You pray to me everyday, you worship me with such passion and fervor. You actually called me into being.”

“What are you talking about? You must have the wrong person. I never pray to anyone, much less worship anyone.”

“Ah. But who do you think of every single day? Who is it that you constantly wish to be by your side? Who is the one person that you hold dear in your heart?”

“Amanda. But Amanda isn’t a god.”

“No she’s not. But I am. Thanks to your will, to your desire.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m the Amanda you dream of, the Amanda you created in your mind. I’ll be the ideal that lives on even when the Amanda you know, the Amanda that spurned you, grows old and changes.”

“Impossible.”

And just as Hal said those words, Amanda appeared in front of him. It was the Amanda that Hal saw for the first time, with her short hair and school uniform, and hinting at a smile even when her face was blank. She embraced him and put her mouth to his ear.

“You believe. That is enough.”

“I disbelieve! This can’t be.” Hal wanted to push this Amanda away from him. Yet he found comfort in her embrace, in the way she called out to him. He knew it was an illusion of some sort, yet he couldn’t bring himself to turn this Amanda away.

“You’re not dreaming you know.”

“This still can’t be.”

“You say that now. Yet I’m still here.”

“Is this another ploy of the devil?”

“You believe in him as well. It was probably best when you still referred to him as ‘Johann’. But no, I am not he. I am who I say I am. I am Amanda.”

“Amanda wouldn’t be here. She’d be at her home, enjoying her Christmas break. She’d be—“

“She’d be doing the things that are important to her. And I’m the Amanda that’s doing the things that’s important to you. You were giving in to despair. I’m here to help.”

“Help in what?”

“I’m all that you need. You don’t need her. You don’t need your classmates. You don’t need the devil. And what has your father ever done for you? You said it yourself, he has lost his ability to relate with others.”

“Why now? Why appear now? I was heartbroken days ago. I needed you then.”

“Not as much as you need me now. Tell me, aren’t you happy in my embrace?”

“I’m content. Yet somehow, I feel this isn’t right.”

“What’s wrong with being with the girl you fell in love with?”

“But you’re not her.”

“Am I not? Every human being idealizes the person that they love and demonize those that they hate. It doesn’t change the other person’s character or makes it true, but you still believe it nonetheless. And I take it one step further. I’m not just the person you think you know, I am the person that you’re thinking of, the person you’re idealizing. What more could you ask?”

“But I want the real Amanda.”

“I am the real Amanda. Perhaps more ‘real’ than she ever was to you. And remember, that other Amanda that you speak of rejected you, spurned you. She doesn’t love you.”

“And you do?”

“Of course I do. I’m your goddess aren’t I? You love me and I love you back. There really is no unconditional love in this world. At least you believe that to be true. I only have one condition for you to gain my affection. It’s to simply love me back. That isn’t hard is it?”

“Love. I don’t even know the meaning of the word right now.”

“Stop believing in what your father tells you. Love is what you feel. You don’t have to think about it. You simply feel. It’s an emotion. You don’t choose to feel hunger, you don’t choose to feel pain. Love is like that. And right now, you have an abundance of love for me. And I for you. So what’s there to think about?”

“Perhaps you’re right. That sounds true.”

“Trust me. I’ll never fail you, I’ll never disappoint you. I won’t be like Amanda who rejected you for another guy. I won’t be like your father who doesn’t know how to feel. I won’t be like the devil, treating you like a business deal. I’ll be the one who loves you, the one who’ll never betray your trust and love.”

“I wonder what it would be like if life was forever like this.”

“I’ll show you.”

And Amanda lifted Hal’s chin, and pressed her lips to his. Hal stopped disbelieving. Her lips were warm and soft. Kissing her on the lips was always like what he imagined. It was sheer pleasure. He put his arms around her as if to make sure she wouldn’t disappear. She didn’t. And she clung to him as well. What more could a guy want?

Word Count: 1, 698
Total Word Count: 15,644